$100 worth of advice for 50 cents.

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Everybody repeat after me: This is all just a dream.

­­ Quote of the week: ''We have covered all your medical bills except for $384,000. '' As Sick As It Gets, Dr. Rudolph Mueller

­­ More E-mail:--

Dear Peever: Why do you write against The Boy Scouts and The Salvation Army? These are two longstanding and outstanding American institutions. Scott

Dear Scott: I couldn't agree with you more. Unfortunately, their view of gays is archaic and demeaning. They have taken up right-winged ideology, which I believe is not good for the human heart and soul. --

Dear Mr. Peever: You preach more than most ministers do, yet I get the impression you're not a strong believer. What's going on? Dave

Dear Dave: You really wouldn't want to know. Suffice it to say, I preach out of a strong need to spread the Gospel According to Peever. --

Dear Peever: You are against capitalism. What is it you would prefer? Carl

Dear Carl: I would prefer to not get ripped off every time I make a purchase. Capitalism is a way for the rich to get richer off the backs of the poor. It is a bunch of tomfoolery. --

Dear Bruce: How could you possibly not be upset over the recent court ruling regarding saying the pledge of allegiance? Linda

Dear Linda: I don't get hysterical about mundane things. -- -- Dear Mr. Weik: What do you think about religious charities receiving tax dollars to do social services? Karen

Dear Karen: I think it's more right-winged bullshit. --

What do you think are Knox County and Galesburg's chances of surviving the current economic downturn? Bob

Dear Bob: What do you think are the Cubs' chances of winning the pennant?--

Dear Peever: Do you think it is wise, in times like these, to be criticizing the government? Colin

Dear Colin: In times like these, I think it would be better to not have a government.

­­ Making your life better. Some cheap counseling:--

Never say anything you mean. You'll only live to regret it. --

The single most important factor in marriages that last is not love, but a strong need to always be wrong. --

Insanity is nothing more than a minority view of reality. --

Fear cripples many a healthy person. Remember this wise old saying: The only thing we have to fear is -- the government. --

Talking is way over-rated. Try listening more. --

The higher the level of degree, the less likely the counselor will be able to help you. --

If the first subject to come up is how you are going to pay, leave. --

There is a mental health diagnosis for every human dilemma. This in and of itself is insane. --

There is a medication for each and every human dilemma. This is called capitalism. --

Never, ever, take advice from a counselor whose life is more screwed up than yours. In fact, you might want to consider charging them.

­­ Ten things to remember when you're dying:

1. Don't make a mess.

2. Don't bellyache about lost opportunities. It's too late.

3. Hopefully you remembered to renew your life insurance.

4. If you're lying there all peaceful and you suddenly see God or angels, don't necessarily take that as a good sign.

5. Wear something comfortable when dying. It may be warm where you're going.

6. Make sure you have a change of underwear.

7. Don't drive a car and die. You'll get a ticket and probably your license will be revoked.

8. Make sure all your personal things are in order. Who gets what, when? This will help avoid nasty confrontations amongst your family. You might want to give everything to me to help avoid this problem: Bruce Weik, 1614 N. Seminary St., Galesburg, IL 61401.

9. Don't forget to yell out right at the end: I'm sorry. This takes care of a lot of apologizing, and keeps them wondering.

10. In your last moments, try to keep it light. Maybe a joke or a little magic trick.

Uploaded to The Zephyr website August 6, 2002

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