­­ Bumper sticker of the week: It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

­­ Quote of the week: ''We feel impelled to sound this warning to anyone using the Bible as a means of growth in the spiritual life. Read it correctly; read it as a whole. Don't fall into the trap of using the scriptures to self-righteously condemn everything from homosexuality and abortion to people of non-Christian faiths. To do this simply because we can find texts that seem to say as much is a regression to a fundamentalist mind-set that does violence to the very nature of the Bible. The Bible is meant to change and convert us, continuously, not to become a weapon of hatred that we use to attack those with whom we disagree.'' In the Spirit of Happiness,'' The Monks of New Skete

­­ ''I think we agree, the past is over,'' W. George, May 10, 2000. If only he believed that. This compassionate conservative is more like a compassionate reactionary. His ideas come from the late 19th and early 20th centuries. He has put forth nothing new that would be worthy of the 21st century. His ideas are backward looking; most, having had years of practical testing, have been long ago rejected.

­­ Annoying things to do in a grocery store:--

While checking out, run back to get a few more items.--

Make it a point to cough and sneeze over the fruit and vegetables.--

Fill your cart to overflow, get everything checked, and mention you forgot your


Open a few boxes of crackers or cookies and sample them.--

Duct tape yourself to the lottery machine to protest gambling.--

Run your cart into the junk they stack in the isles.--

Read the stupid newspapers they put in the check-out lanes out loud.--

Try to pay for your groceries with foreign money.

­­ Funny questions asked at job interviews:--

Can you start today? You're already two weeks behind.--

How many hours can you stay awake?--

So you were in the army? Did you ever shot anyone?--

What do you think about having sex with fellow employees?--

Are you capable of cheating people in order to make a sale?--

Can you please spell the work ''profit'' for me?--

What is your favorite excuse for taking a day off?

­­ The five richest people I know:--

My uncle had so much money he gave me five dollars every year for my birthday.--

I know a guy who makes $150,000 a year. However, he spends $175,000, which technically should disqualify him from the list.--

I saw a person the other day who had $1,500 in their checkbook.--

My buddy, Billy Johnson, is a successful baseball card collector. He has one worth $14.50.--

I discovered by accident that my best friend, Jake, has a net worth of zero. This is up from minus $2,500.

­­ Answering my mail:--

Dear Peever: I don't like undressing in the locker room. What do you suggest? (Bob, age 16)

Dear Bob: You can do one of two things. Either put your shorts on underneath your pants, thus limiting your amount of exposure, or quit school.--

Dear Peever: I have trouble attracting members of the opposite sex. Any suggestions? (Tommie, age 27)

Dear Tommie: Remember to take a bath daily, brush your teeth, change your underwear, and put on deodorant. And by the way, give up the dress, stockings, and high heals.--

Peever: I have a man who keeps bothering me. I think he wants to go to bed with me. What can I do to discourage him? (Tammy, age 32)

Dear Tammy: Tell him you really like Melissa Etheridge, or shoot him. The later suggestion comes with a guarantee.--

Mr. Peever: Is it ok for older people to have sex? (Sally, age 68)

Dear Sally: It's ok, but highly unlikely.--

Dear Mr. Peever: How will I know when I hear the Truth? (Karrie, age 24)

Dear Karrie: The Truth is never served with fancy dishes or elaborate packaging. It is simple, alluring, openhearted, and will cause you to ask more questions than it answers. Questions initiate The Quest. Or, on the other hand, you could just listen to everything I say.

­­ Remember, only God can make a tree. However, it takes illinois Power only seconds to destroy one.

­­ Here a TIF, there a TIF, everywhere a TIF,TIF. I wish the city council would TIF me. I tell you what; I promise to put up nothing, and in return all I want is a million bucks. There, now I've finished the application.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online August 15, 2000

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