Leave It To Peever

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Warning -- This car emits fumes which are toxic to humans.

­­ Quotes of the week: ''Live and let live, that's what I say. Anyone who can't understand that should be killed. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked well in our family.''

''No one ever knows what's next, but they always do it.''

''I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.'' ''Here's how you get rid of counterfeit money: put it in the collection plate at church.'' Napalm and Silly Putty, George Carlin

­­ Things I like:

-- I like to watch politicians when they lie. Their eyes start to flutter and they twitch uncontrollably.--

I like cars that have some steel in them. I like the security. Something where if you hit someone, they're dead.--

I like fish ponds. I put piranhas in mine. There are a lot fewer cats in the neighborhood.--

I like pies: Peach pies, apricot pies, apple pies. I especially like grape pies, although no one makes them anymore. Turns your hands purple. This apparently scares most people.--

I like the smell of perfume on a woman. The older you get, the more you appreciate this, but the less you can do about it.--

I like mowing the lawn and smelling the fresh cut grass. I also like going to the dentist.

­­ Evening classes for older adults:--

Whine your way to loneliness.--

Guilt without sex.--

Gifts for the senile.--

Learning to live with illness.--

The art of selling, or buying, body parts.--

How to buy life insurance after age 65.--

Learning to live alone with a spouse.--

It may seem funny, but I don't believe I'm coming.

­­ The facts of life:--

Nine out of ten times you're wrong. The other one you're definitely wrong.--

It is a well known fact that no matter how much plastic surgery you have, one day you're going to die or melt.--

In the scheme of things, money is not near as important as the things it buys.--

Little boys are different from little girls. For one thing, their voices are deeper. For another, they usually don't wear bras. However, there have been exceptions to this rule. And wouldn't you know it, I met him.--

It used to require sex in order to have children. Now all it takes is a Playboy magazine.--

Golf is a game that requires a lot of balls.

­­ Bush takes a month-long vacation. Some people are complaining. I'm glad. I wish he'd extend it to a year. I'd feel much safer. And he's badmouthing D.C. He's not comfortable there. No, I don't suspect he would be. There are actually people there other than lily-white oilmen. And they don't buy the Texas crap he's spreading. My guess is he's down there being reprogrammed. It was noted that he smiled last week and he made up a sentence with the word ''poor'' in it. His Texas buddies wouldn't like that. I'd guess he will be run out of D.C. before the end of his term. I wonder if they would still consider that a vacation?

­­ Do you remember the time when your car didn't have a cupholder and regular coffee was just that? You know -- regular.

­­ Are you willing to engage in civil disobedience?

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online August 28, 2001

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