by Bruce Weik

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Now that you're on my ass, you wanna get married?

­­ Quote of the week: ''I would not dream of belonging to a club that is willing to have me for a member.'' --Groucho Marx

­­ I noticed a fish symbol on a car the other day. I assume that the statement is ''I'm a Christian.'' It's great that God blessed that wonderful couple with a brand new Cadillac.

­­ Al Gore shocked scientists by stating it should be up to local school boards to decide about the teaching of creationism. He and George W. Bush both think it ain't a bad idea. And these are the two front-runners. Both of them are eagerly courting the Right-Wing Christian vote. I'm against turning public schools into Sunday schools. And I'm wondering which culture's creationism story they would use.

­­ Candidate John McCain is muddling with the abortion issue. He believes Roe vs. Wade should be repealed, although worries about women having to get illegal abortions. He wishes unwanted pregnancies wouldn't occur. And I wish I'd win the Lotto.

­­ Hospitals are notorious for their mistreatment of employees. Unfortunately, both of the hospitals in town are not exceptions to this rule. People call and write fairly frequently about some of the cruel, and frankly what should be illegal, things that both of the hospitals do to the personnel. The doctors on the other hand are seemingly a bit smarter than the rest of the staff. To help level the playing field between themselves and managed care companies and hospital administrators that have jumped into bed with them, the American Medical Association executive committee gave them the right to unionize. Hospital employees have been slow to realize just how badly they are exploited. I'm sure there are many reasons for this, not the least of which is that they seem to enjoy it. It didn't take the doctors long to see what needed to be done. But the rest of you-- I can only shake my head. If I were a hospital administrator, I'd be picking up a course or two in labor negotiating. Your days of blatantly screwing people are coming to an end. And you can thank the doctors.

­­ If I had it to do all over again:

10. I wouldn't be so foolish as to say I wouldn't change anything.

9. I'd have gone to Woodstock.

8. I wouldn't have inhaled. It's too hard on the political career.

7. I'd pay more attention to people, and less to things.

6. I'd have tried harder to catch Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball.

5. I would have started writing the Peeves years ago. It affords me a lot of time to be alone.

4. I would have worked at a government job for 20 years and retired. And I would have thanked you, the taxpayer, for making it possible.

3. I would have liked to have been a little more liberal, which some people don't believe possible.

2. I would spend more time on the street and less time talking about it.

1. I would have made sure to befriend Bill Gates.

­­ Some sanity in an insane world:--

Judge suspends Cleveland's school voucher program. Voucher programs seem to be a clear violation of the separation of church and state guaranteed in the Constitution. Public schools turning into Sunday schools.--

The Los Angeles County Board votes to ban the sale of guns and ammunition on county property. For the past 30 years, they have held what is reported to be the world's longest gun sale at the county fair grounds. No more.--

Former Alaskan politician faces criminal charges. The GOP candidate for Governor in the last election couldn't quite remember where all his campaign money came from. Twenty-three criminal counts. Maybe that will help his memory.--

Florida court urged to pull plug on electric chair. Over the last 10 years, flames have shot from the heads of two prisoners during their electrocution. Another's eyes blew out. Said Justice Harry Anstead, ''Help me with this. As far as the most recent photographs... They look like they are out of some horror movie.'' Amen.--

Welfare changes not helping poorest. I'm surprised anyone has taken the time to notice. Rep. Bill Archer, Right-Wing Conservative from Texas, oversaw the reforms. That in and of itself should give you a clue as to how it's going to go. Go to work for my friends for minimum wage and shut the hell up. In the meantime, mainly the children suffer. Politicians proclaim it's has been a great success. And I suppose for what they had in mind, it probably has been.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online August 31, 1999

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