­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Celebrate Perversity

­­ Quote of the week: ''Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. They're not pro-life, they're anti-woman. Simple. They're afraid of women and they don't like them. If they think a fetus is more important than a woman, they should try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of their underwear. For no pay.'' Napalm and Silly Putty, George Carlin

­­ Medical update: The whole world will soon be taking Zoloft and Prozac. This is our modern day answer to singing the blues. All the old blues singers are dying off. Nowadays we don't allow people to get blue, hence the limited number of people singing the blues. And wouldn't you know it, most of the blues singers who are singing the blues are white. What the hell do they have to be blue about?

­­ Some problems you may encounter in life:--

Expressive language disorder: I get this every now and then. I take a laxative. Clears me right up.--

Transient tick disorder: This happens when a Missouri tick hitches a ride on your scrotum to Illinois.--

Encopresis with constipation and overflow incontinence: This is bad. Don't leave home.--

Selective mutism: This is what Rep. Gary Condit has.--

Amnestic disorder due to, due to, I forgot.--

Shared psychotic disorder: Why go it alone? The only thing we have to fear is all of us.--

Frotteurism: Rubbing against a non-consenting person, like the brunette mannequin out at Bergner's.--

Transvestic fetishism: Cross-dressing, which I've only done once. And I have to admit, I looked pretty good.--

Voyeurism: This is the peeping Peever syndrome.--

Medication-induced movement disorder: This is what you get if you take medication for any of the above.

­­ Questions?--

Do you know anything about anything? I know a lot about nothing. Does that count?--

Have you written all the books you claim to have written? Yes. They are all filed in my desk under ''miscellaneous crap.''

--Speaking of books, what was your latest? "Why Are Politicians All Perfect Assholes: A Proctologist's View.'' This is a work of fiction, since I'm not a proctologist.--

Any predictions about the governors race in 2002? Gov. Ryan will not win. Neither will Jim Ryan.--

How about the Presidential race in 2004? Wouldn't it be cool if George Sr. took on George Jr? Bush on Bush. Sounds like a lesbian wrestling match.--

What about the Democrats? They'll think of somebody.--

Do you have any idea how many people you offend? At last count, I've offended about 95.6 percent of everyone. After this week, I expect that to move up to 97 percent. I work hard at this.--

How did you like Heritage Days: I thought it was great. I got to talk to Lincoln. He's still mad about being on the penny. The guy running around in a jock strap acting like a mountain man was good, except I wish he would have been a woman. The battle was good, but not near enough people were killed to make it realistic. Maybe next year.

­­ Answers: (you figure out the questions)--

Yes, I've occasionally thought of that.--

Sometimes you have to walk in the other guy's shoes, no matter how stinky.--

I would have to emphatically say no to that, although I have owned any number of dogs.--

I would have guessed Texas.--

Ten years is enough. Actually, that's probably 9 1/2 too many.--

I think it's possible, however I've never personally seen it done.--

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Only once have I seen a tie.--

No, I don't think so. On the other hand, you never can be sure.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online September 4, 2001

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