Leave It To Peever

­­Bumper sticker of the week: BushWorld -- for the privileged few.

­­Quote of the week: ''America is no longer a country. It's a multitrillion-dollar brand. America is essentially no different from McDonald's, Marlboro or General Motors. It's an image ''sold'' not only to the citizens of the USA, but to consumers worldwide. The American brand is associated with catchwords such as ''democracy,'' ''opportunity'' and ''freedom.'' But like cigarettes that are sold as symbols of vitality and youthful rebellion, the American reality is very different from its brand image. America has been subverted by corporate agendas. Its elected officials bow before corporate power as a condition of their survival in office. A collective sense of powerlessness and disillusionment has set in. A deeply felt sense of betrayal is brewing.'' Culture Jam, Kalle Lasn

­­The feds are broke: Wouldn't you know it. Right when they have so much money they're sending some back, they go broke. W. George must have miscalculated. He probably ran out of fingers to count on. It's hard not to make fun of these guys. They're as inept as the day is long. It's a story that's sad, but true. About a country that we once knew.

­­No jobs: ''Jobless workers drawing unemployment benefits hits 9-year high.'' Jobless workers drawing no benefits remains at all time high. Add the two together and you end up with millions of workers who need to go to Mexico to get work. I can just picture all these white folks swimming across the Rio Grande, hoping some Mexican dude will give them a job for $5 per day.

­­Seems the road to getting tourists to come to Galesburg is to be paved with statues and trails. Joining the Reagan Trail should net us about three additional consumers per decade, this assuming that they would buy something once they are here. A Carl Sandburg statue would be ok. I would put on it: Carl Sandburg -- Galesburg's Most Prominent Socialist. This would draw upwards of 20 or so people per year, depending on how long Bush remains in office. This number could hit a hundred. So I'm not necessarily against this project, but I think the $115,000 is a little steep. I would do one in styrofoam and cover it in bull for half that. The Zephyr has endorsed capitalizing on Lincoln. After all, we are the home of one of the Lincoln-Douglas debates, which at least 50 people in the world care about. Get real folks! See what you think about this:

1. I think we missed the boat with the mummy thing in Knoxville. We could possibly incorporate the PEO Home into this scheme, solving two problems with one Peever idea: A PEO Home for mummies.

2. We could build a brewery in Knoxville. Using their radium- infested water, this would put a new twist on ''moonshine.'' After about 12 or so, the drinker would start to glow. This could eliminate a lot of electrical bills. An added benefit would be arresting them for a DUI. We do have a new jail to pay for. Once again, a Peever solution to any number of problems.

3. ''Come to Galesburg to see the nicest tourism center east of the Mississippi.'' We might as well capitalize on a mistake.

4. Turn the Orpheum back into a burlesque venue. This could be bigger than The Field of Dreams. We could call it The Theatre of Old-Time Boobs. Sure feminists will complain and sparks will fly. This is what they call free publicity.

5. I think Saint Crescent down at Corpus Christi Church who protects the town from tornadoes has been grossly under-utilized. Of course we'll have to leave out the steeple blowing over incident.

As you can see, there are many tourist traps that could be created. I thought these up in five minutes. If we use our collective imaginations, we could easily come up with another five or 10, and still have invested only 15 minutes or so of our time. The world has plenty of statues and trails. That's yesterday's gimmick.

­­''Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop? Who put the lam in the lama lama ding dong? Who was that man, I'd like to shake his hand. He made my baby fall in love with me.'' Now that was music. I never could figure out what the hell any of it meant, but at least I could remember the lyrics. It must have had something to do with sex, since it was from the 60s. I suppose it could have had something to do with drugs but I don't remember smoking any lama lama ding dong. Then again....

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online September 12, 2001

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