LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

— Bumper sticker of the week: He wasn’t elected Sept. 11 either.

— Quotes of the week: "They misunderestimated me."

"I understand small business growth. I was one."

"More and more of our imports come from overseas."

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." Dubya

— Regrets. I’ve had a few:

•I wish I’d have become a brain surgeon. I’d have specialized in Republicans.

•I drank a lot in high school, so I don’t remember much. I regret that.

•A lot of my good friends live far away. I suppose I’m more sorry about that than regretful.

•I regret not working for the city, county, state. I’d be retired by now and working as a greeter at Wal-Mart to make extra money for my medications.

•I regret not having gone to Peoria to see Mother Teresa.

•Seeing I wasn’t smart enough to become a brain surgeon, I wish I’d have founded Roto Rooter. I still could have specialized in Republicans.

— Democracy was getting old anyway.

— Maytag decides to leave town early: What a surprise! I think that Gallagher thing scared them.

— In the scheme of things, there is only one thing worse than NAFTA: hemorrhoids.

— How to know if your memory is getting bad:

•You can’t remember who you last were.

•You keep forgetting where you hid the bottle.

•You look in a mirror and wonder who changed the picture.

•When you get up to go to the bathroom, you keep getting lost.

•You wonder who those people are in your billfold.

•You would gladly send birthday cards to your children, if you could only remember who they are.

— Knoxville is going into the TIF business: Lucky taxpayers! They should be grateful. Look how well it’s worked for Galesburg?

— Salesmen today are terrible: I get the feeling they strongly endorse failure. Absolutely no follow–through. I get the impression they think they’re doing us a favor by selling us their product. Wrong.

— How about those Cubs?

— How to negotiate the best price:

•Don’t fall in love with whatever it is you’re buying. You probably don’t need it anyway.

•If the seller asks you for a price you are willing to pay, tell him you’ll give him a $1.98, unless, of course, it’s a dollar item.

•Offer no better than half the asking price. That’s probably more than whatever it’s worth anyway.

•Always look the seller directly in the eyes when you’re making fun of his product.

•Nothing has any value until someone pays a price for it. Make sure it’s not you paying too high a price.

— Wal-Mart owners cited as 7th richest people in the world: Now the richest family in the world, the Waltons need to be put in their place. After putting mom and pop businesses out of business for years, it’s time we did the same to them. While they may have the lowest price in town, pay someone else the next lowest. The warm feeling this will give you will be well worth the price difference.