LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Full-body condoms

— Bumper sticker of the week: Positive doubt — the status quo hates it.

— Quote of the week: “Recently a magazine in Westchester interviewed business people to find out why they do the work they do. One percent said it was to improve the community or give back to the community. Seventy percent said it was to support their lifestyle. They didn’t realize that if they didn’t give back to their community, their lifestyle would fall apart.” Instructions to the Cook, Bernard Glassman and Rick Fields

— Watch for the price of gas to start rising again on Nov. 7.

— Bush’s rating rebounds to 44%. He’s no longer hated, just strongly disliked.

— Spinach arrested for e-coli outbreak: Someone has to pay for this terrorist attack on our citizens, states Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. Apparently spinach was sent to Guantanamo Bay, where he will be held indefinitely, or until he wilts. It appears Saddam may have financed this hideous attack. All carnivores are being rounded up for questioning.

— Pope Benedict riles up the Muslim world. It appears he’s out of contention for the Nobel Peace Prize.

— Too much time on my hands: Now that I’m retired, I’m looking for ways to make some easy money. I been thinking of running The Chamber, or the EDC, but those jobs are already taken. I have considered developing a full-body condom. Could protect you from all the bull being slung around at election time. Think about it. No more germs, no more bad relationships. Who on earth would want to go with someone wearing a full-body condom. Maybe different colors for different moods. And perhaps some ribs or studs for the adventurous sort. I mean, lets face it, you got to look bigger wearing a full-body condom. The only problem so far is the cost. The prototype was $2,145. That’s a lot of money to pay for protection.

— Boycott this:

• Wal-Mart: Too big, poor pay, anti-union, and bad for communities. They run the small local guy out of business. However, hard to stay away because of the low prices and big selection. Do the best you can.

• 7/11: Dropping Citgo as supplier of some of their gas. They didn’t like Chavez calling Bush “the devil.” No more Big Gulps for me.

• ExxonMobil: Exploiting the oil situation for all it’s worth. Making huge profits. Funny how Bush is in office and the oil companies are making more money than ever. Quite a coincidence. Both Exxon and Mobil came from Standard Oil, the source of the Rockefeller fortune. ExxonMobil’s long-time chairman, Lee Raymond, retired at the beginning of the year. His retirement and severance package was around $400 million. Having just retired, he edged me out by a little. Damn capitalists.

• Disney: Sorry folks. No more Mickey. I’m afraid this outfit has gone Goofy. They’ve always leaned to the right, but it’s getting worse and worse. They also reportedly own sweatshops in various Third World countries that pay lousy wages to women and children to make Mickey pajamas that they sell at Wal-Mart. Forget that trip to Disney World. Try Great America, it’s closer.

• Philip Morris: They tell you not to smoke their cigarettes, that they kill you. But they keep right on making them. I’m not sure how they sleep at night. I suppose that mattress full of money helps.

• Pharmaceutical companies: These people get rich off of our misery. I wish we could all stop taking meds, but I suppose that’s not practical. So switch to generics when you can. They hate that.

• Ford Motor Co.: Their answer to a better company — fire employees. They can’t seem to come up with a good looking car that could get 50 miles to the gallon. That would take some real brains, which they seem to have a shortage of.