Some famous curmudgeons: Mark Twain, W.C. Fields, Groucho Marx, Andy Rooney.
First of all, you need to look mean. Wipe that funny-looking politician's smirk off your face.
If someone is nice to you, you immediately grab hold of your wallet.
You only fly fish. This requires that the fisherman be smarter than the fish.
You know you must be wrong about something but you can't figure out what it is.
Always question the motives of politicians; never accept altruistic answers.
You wish Jesus would come back to straighten out most Christians.
You like social workers but can't stand to be around them
You don't take compliments very well because you're trying to make everyone angry.
You can't figure out how some people can be so rich and others so poor.
You go to watch criminal trials just for the laughs.
You expect the worst out of people and are generally not disappointed.
You can' understand why people own guns but you have one just in case they're right.
Evolution makes sense to you. God wouldn't create anything as stupid as a human.
You can look at something and see nothing.
You can look at nothing and see something.
You want to do what's right but you can't quite figure out what that is.
You remain skeptical about a virgin birth.
You wonder how ''random acts of stupidity'' can constantly keep getting Congressmen reelected.
It's hard for you to believe how businesses can make so much money providing such poor service.
You still think computers may have been invented by the devil.
You don't know why corporations get welfare from the government but you know it must be stopped.
You can't explain why people are against abortion but for capital punishment
You can't figure out how a lawyer's time can possibly be worth $150 an hour. They should be happy we just allow them to live.
You look at prisons and think about racism.
You wonder why most M.D.'s become doctors. Most can't even get along with people.
How can a car possibly be more expensive than a house?
You know that if one of your friends becomes a millionaire, begging is something you would be capable of.
You realize that using gambling money to finance government rather than tax money are both examples of stealing from the ignorant.
You know the difference between a big talker and a big thinker.
When you go to buy a new or used car, you just bend over and ask how much.
Most ministers make you nervous.
You don't call anyone by their title, like ''doctor'' or ''your honor.'' That's nonsense.
You miss potlucks, but not the socialization.
You're skeptical about Noah and his arc. Why in the world would God have allowed Noah's wife to stay on board?
You get nervous when you go to the post office. On the other hand, you wonder why everyone doesn't shoot their boss.
You'd invest in the Internet but you don't trust the darn thing.
Everyone wants to blame the students and teachers for what happens in our schools but not the administrations and school boards. That doesn't make sense.
You can't understand why every working person would not want to belong to a union. Of course, that means a real union-- not a make-believe one like most are today.
Left-wing and right-wing people frighten you although you would have much sooner gone to a party with Marx than with Hitler.
All these years we worried about communists when we should have been worried about ourselves.
Everyone should get the same level of health care the President gets.
You don't see the big deal in hitting 70 home runs but you sure would like to have caught the 70th.
You're not much into personal growth unless it happens to be visible.
Football is appalling to you but you love the cheerleaders.
In the scheme of things, you can't figure out why gynecologists and proctologists don't get arrested.
We lost the drug war. People don't like reality.
You would prefer that females not be allowed in taverns unless, of course, they're dancing.
It takes a lot of work to be a curmudgeon and it can be a lonely existence. But that, in and of itself, doesn't stop you. You prefer dogs over humans anyway.