More of Milton FriedmanÕs capitalism
—Bumper sticker of the week: An enemy is a personÕs story we have not heard.
—Quote of the week: ÒPeople look for the underlying truths in religion. In doing so, they factualize many of the stories. They do a disservice to their religion by doing so. They take away its mystery. In culture after culture, the truths are metaphorically told. The truth is the metaphors.Ó The Peever, from ÒOnward Christian Soldiers.Ó
—The county-some cheap advice:
¥ DonÕt waste any more of our money on GREDA. Give it to me.
¥ The courthouse. What a problem. WeÕve known the courthouse is bad for 20 years. The question is: Who forgot to pay the inspector? Ten, 20 million dollars. Wow! Knox County hasnÕt had that kind of money, probably ever. Now-a-days, the whole county is probably not worth that much. If we were the federal government, we could just print us some hundred dollar bills and forget it. Let our great-grandchildren worry about it. But since we have no printing presses, which pretty much seems to be the main criteria, weÕre going to have to use our heads. So here goes:
¥ It would not be good for a county to lose its courthouse. That would be like a stripper losing her G-string, or Michael Phelps losing his Speedos. ItÕs not a real easy time to get sentimental about the courthouse, but IÕm sure thatÕs going to happen. So weÕve got to save it. The question is: HOW? We could apply for a gambling license. GREDA could do this. This would actually give them something to legitimately say they have done. If they were to finally show some success by acquiring a license, we could remodel, build a mote around it, and bingo, weÕre in the business of stealing peopleÕs money to run government. Another less controversial approach would be to legalize prostitution and turn the courthouse into a whorehouse. IÕm doubting the Baptists will go for this, but they have caved in on gambling, so with a little talk and a few well placed stuffed envelopes, I think we could persuade them. While the courthouse is busily making money with either of these plans, allowing us to end real estate and sales taxes, causing more people to move into Galesburg and Knox County, and outsiders to shop here, having no sales tax, we will need to find a place to put the courthouse politicians. I know what youÕre thinking, but letÕs not be cruel. How about the old Wal-Mart building? With a few tax breaks and a couple well placed TIF districts, IÕm betting theyÕll give us the building. A little remodeling, and bang, Galesburg and Knox County are back on top. In fact, that wouldnÕt be a bad slogan for this whole campaign: Ò LetÕs Get Back on TopÓ. Works with either courthouse solution. Now I realize that the city, county, and GREDA would normally pay good money for ideas like this, but IÕm offering them for free. Never let it be said The Peever is greedy.
p.s. As a third option, feeling perhaps you may have some misplaced moral issues with the above, we could always merge with DuPage County. I hear theyÕre doing quite well.
—A liberal conspiracy: The greenhouse effect. Hundreds of the worlds greatest scientists get together and make up lies about the warming of the Earth. For the purpose of, ofÉ I kind of lose the right-wingers at this point. Maybe to win a Nobel prize, or to get something published, or to attempt to give future generations a shot at being as stupid as we are, or maybe to try to eventually sell us property on another planet. After all, these scientists are pretty devious, having thought up such strange things as evolution, stem-cell research, and continuing to use that treacherous of all concepts, the scientific hypothesis. And I guess maybe in a certain sly way I wouldnÕt mind if they did make it all up just to piss off the right-wing. That would be good enough for me.
—Economic bailout: You got to love it. We, the people, bailing out them, the rich ones. Have you noticed how often they come to our aid? Check them out for giving you a little money to avoid a foreclosure, or bankruptcy, or losing your farm, or improving your credit. They laugh while they got one hand in your pocket and the other on an auction gavel. They say trust us. I wouldnÕt trust them with my last dollar and a half. Trust is no longer in this equation. So congratulations! You have just become a shareholder in the worlds worst capitalist failure. YouÕve been Milton Friedmantized. Sleep tight.