­­Bumper sticker of the week: It is not the mountain that we conquer but ourselves.

­­Quote of the week: ''Life is a precarious thing. A slight moment of distraction, a tiny oversight, and everything turns. It might be a thoughtless word, an inattentive glance, someone having a bad day, in a bad mood. What do we do? We do the best we can. I am going to die the very next instant, and the instant after that, and after that, so I am doing the best I can this instant. To say that everything is changing is to say that everything is going to die this very instant. So we must do the very best we can each moment, as if each moment were our last -- because it is. Bearing Witness, Bernie Glassman.

­­Things to be thankful for:

-- Thank God I'm not a turkey.--

I'm thankful I'm alive, most days.--

I'm thankful for the one thing no one can take away from me -- my slinky.--

I'm thankful you can't be arrested for being full of bullshit.--

I'm thankful I''m not a female. They seem to get a lot of headaches.--

I'm thankful for the food I am about to eat. I hope it doesn't kill me.--

I'm thankful the government is protecting me from terrorists, whoever, whatever, wherever they are.--

And I'm thankful for the things I have that I don't need. My decadence is our economy's salvation.

­­I'm down in Florida this week. I'm on a mission. An exclusive story for the Zephyr. My intention is to visit Katherine Harris to explore the uncanny resemblance she bears to Jeb Bush. You see, I have this theory.....

­­I'm looking for someone to give me a church. Yes, you heard right, give. It's not right to sell a church. And I would prefer one that has stained glass windows, but I could make an exception, depending whether or not a congregation comes with it. It will be called Days of Healing. It will not be your usual type church.

­­Speaking of churches: It's hard to find a good one. I like a good sermon, but I don't like a lot of talk about hell or how sinful I have been. I got enough problems without having to listen to that. Some churches have a time to share, usually involving a hug or two. I don't really like that either. I don't mind hugging friends, but strangers? It's too risky. The last time someone shared something with me, it took me two weeks to get over it. I like action, although most action takes place in very fundamentalist churches. You never see Methodists or Presbyterians or Lutherans jumping around and singing at the same time. I've never seen a Catholic speak in tongues. Well, I take that back. Maybe a time or two, but he was an attorney. I really like praying, but most of these places have prescribed prayers. They don't want you freelancing. You might ask for something you shouldn't, like the winning lotto numbers. Communion is good, but nowadays everyone worries about germs. I like dipping hard crusted bread into wine. I'm almost certain that's what they did at the Last Supper. I'm thinking of a church with a mixture of things: whirling around like a Sufi; the silent meditation of Buddhists; mysticism from the Jewish tradition; the activism of Christ; and the offering basket of Weik.

­­When you build more prisons than you do schools, what exactly does that mean?

­­Have you ever thought about what you would want put on your tombstone?

­­There is nothing worse than feeling anonymous.

­­SUV's have become the current mark of ''making it.'' Cleaver marketing.

­­Bushonomics: Where I give you one dollar and take back five, all the while making you believe it's for your own good.

­­Unions are back, compliments of management.

­­I find it hard to sympathize with people who bitch and moan and groan about how bad things are and are waiting for someone to change it. You are that someone.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online November 6, 2001

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