­­ Bumper sticker of the week: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

­­ Quotes of the week: ''I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.''-- Doug McLeod

''Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.''-- Albert Einstein

­­ I've talked before about women dressing like men, which I think is really funny. It's not so bad on Halloween, it kind of goes with the flow. Just the other day I was standing in line next to a pretty good looking lady who had on a men's suit, tie and a billfold stuck in her back pocket, which I don't normally look at if I know it's a man. Anyway, one of the problems with this cross-dressing is men often get the urge to goose one another. This is a primal instinct left over from the cave man days, when communication was much more tactile. Wouldn't you know it, the urge hit me at a most inopportune time. Generally you hope the urge hits you when you're in a factory. Luckily, I managed to contain myself. I'd have probably been thrown in the slammer, where a goose takes on a whole new meaning.

­­ I just love all the commotion over the Harry Potter books. Any time righteous, ''we know what's best for everyone'' Christians go to work wanting to ban books, I make a mad dash to read them, figuring they've got to be good. Sure enough, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was an excellent read. I judge a good book by when I set it down. Can I visualize what I've just read? Does it make me think, wonder, fantasize? Does it stick with me? This one is much better than the average. The author, Joanne Kathleen Rowlings, age 33. a divorced single parent, has been a struggling writer for some time. She sat in a place similar to Swedoughs and began writing the story, which will be played out in seven books. Numbers one, two and three hold the top three places on the best sellers list, which has never been done before. The good Christian folk in South Carolina, Michigan, Georgia New York and Minnesota are worried that the books feature wizards and witchcraft, which apparently are non-Christian ideas. They say the books have too much about death, hate, lack of respect and ''sheer evil.'' These same folks ought to save their outrage for wizards running around in sheets,most recently in New York, and not long ago, recruiting in Galesburg. That's real hatred and sheer evil. I hate to see this kind of nonsense waste everyone's time and energy. The whole thing illustrates the ability of our children to out-think us, or in this case, to out-imagine us. It's a sorry situation. I've been working on a book entitled Christians Scared Senseless, which started out as a work of fiction but is rapidly turning into non-fiction. This is probably best. These righteous Christian folk don't like fiction. It makes you wonder.

­­ The Galesburg City Council tabled a discussion and vote because one council person could not be there. Interesting proposition. Lousy idea. I suppose the mayor was trying to be nice, which he has a bad case of. This will end up being a Pandora's Box he will wish he had never opened. Immediately, others were asking for the same favor. If such requests were entertained by the Knox County Board, with 25 members, it is quite possible nothing would ever get done, which might often be best. Extend this concept to the State Legislature and it becomes clear the Mayor and Council might be on to something. Now if every U.S. Congress person requested that votes be held up until they could conveniently attend, it's quite likely that after 435 people made such requests, no business would ever be transacted, which would be a wonderful gift to the American people. And to think, it all started right here, one beautiful Monday night, when the city council held up business so that one of its members could be present at the next meeting to hang herself.

­­ Speaking of voters. What a sorry lot we are. Here's some general rules to follow the next time you head for the polls:--

If you have seen the person on television too much, dump them. The person is getting too much special interest money and is trying to win votes by looking pretty and lying a lot.--

Don't vote for a Republican unless you have $500,000 in the bank, are lily white and maybe you're the bank president.--

Don't vote for anyone named Bush unless of course you enjoy getting screwed.--

If you are about to vote for a candidate who is intelligent, forget it. They don't have a chance.--

If the candidate talks about Christ and God a lot and ends speeches with ''God bless you,'' run.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online November 9, 1999

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