LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Thank you

— Bumper sticker of the week: Please tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes.

— Quote of the week: "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nickolson

— I don't mind people making mistakes. Hell, I've made a few over the years myself. What I don't like are people who make mistakes and won't admit it, or try to gloss over it or cover it up. I don't like people who can't live up to what they do. They don't seem genuine to me. They want to be that infallible, perfect, human being. But mistakes are part of the territory. I'm guessing God made one when we ended up on top. I'm pretty sure he was hoping that would be a baboon or a gorilla. So mistakes are a part of our nature. That lonely, miserable, dark, painful bit of a reminder that God goofed and likely made us by mistake.

— Waiting on an angel: What do angels do for a living? If they're out there doing good, why aren't they kicking George W.'s ass? Why aren't they sitting on the shoulders of those torturing prisoners of war telling them to cut that crap out? Or why aren't they chasing away crack dealers in front of my grandma's house? I'm waiting on an angel to let me know about God. Is He or She for real? What about when I die? Am I going up, down, or sideways? Heaven? Hell? I can't wait for no angel. I saw on TV I can calI1-900-ANSWERS. For only $4.98, I can get this stuff figured out. Crap, wouldn't you know it. No answer. Must be out to lunch.

— How to cultivate a spiritual life:

• Go to church irregularly.

• Spend more time doing good. Get rid of the racial and gay jokes. Accept diversity. Give up the idea that your way is the only way.

• Rather than collecting possessions, collect friends.

• Don't believe everything you hear, even if the messenger is wearing a collar, or robe, or designer suit. Be particularly careful if they have a TV program. They may be after more than your soul.

• If you're practicing right-wing, Christian Republicanism, get out. You've been brainwashed. And I'm using the term "brain" lightly.

We are each fashioned after the divine. We each have a spark of the beginning in us. We should treat one another accordingly. Thus sayeth The Peever.

— Things I'm thankful for:

• That I'm not a Republican. I'd have committed suicide by now.

• That I'm not a turkey.

• I finally graduated from the kids table.

• I'm thankful turkey breasts are getting bigger and bigger. And bigger. Those turkeys are going to be stars at Big AI's pretty soon.

• This year we didn't have to make a turkey or dressing. We bought them from the Pentagon for $20,000.

• That I don't play for the Cubs.

• I'm thankful I live in a country where anyone can grow up to be President, even if they shouldn't.

• Finally, I'm thankful that you can say what you want in America. You don't have to worry about going to trial. Now they put you straight in jail.

Happy Thanksgiving.