­­ Bumper sticker of the week (upside down on a Ford Bronco): If you can read this, roll me over.

­­ Quote of the week: ''One main reason for the nosedive in efficient service is the stupidification of America. In the name of quick cash, many businesses have cut their costs by replacing career minded professionals with lukewarm bodies so close to flat-lining they might as well be wearing their name tags on their toes.'' Dennis Miller

­­ Some things I'm thankful for:--

We have no President elect. Hallelujah.--

I'm thankful I'm alive. So is my attorney.--

There's not a better place to live in the world. Well, maybe Oquawka.--

I'm feeling safer and safer as most of the population ends up in prison.--

I'm thankful for the turkey I am about to have. The turkey was not near as lucky.--

I'm thankful for the different seasons, except winter.--

I'm thankful I can write about anything I want. Well, almost anything. No one wants to hear about the homosexual child molester who got a sex change operation so he could marry his brother.--

In a world full of make-believe, be thankful if you can figure out what to believe.--

In the scheme of things there's nothing we should be more grateful for than democracy and the right to vote. Where else in the world can you get the most votes and still lose the election?

­­ Someone recently asked me what I was going to do with my life now that I have had a brush with death. I wondered if the person maybe had any advice. No, nothing that seemed too practical. I'm not into spreading the gospel, and the thought of raising foster kids makes me nervous. After careful consideration, I answered that the one thing I would not like to do, or be like, is a chicken running around the barnyard with its head chopped off. Reminds me of too many people I already know. Wouldn't you know, the next day I see a story on TV about a famous headless chicken that lived weeks after its head was removed. Not wanting to dismiss this as a mere coincidence and being careful that I pay attention to any signs I might be getting regarding the fulfillment of my destiny, I have decided to become a baloney salesman. That's just about all this amounts to.

­­ I wonder what the athletes who pray after they score a touchdown say to God:--

Thanks for your help. I needed that to help me negotiate a better contract next season.--

Forget about the starving and dying children around the world, I need your undivided attention.--

Wow. Was that a miracle or what?--

Thank heavens the big ugly guy chasing me didn't catch me.--

I hope that pretty lady in the front row sees my gentler side.

As though God doesn't have anything more pressing to do. It's all touching, to say the least.

­­ The two greatest fears in life: Death and wondering just how high your Illinois Power bill will go.

­­ Florida voter Hotline:--

Help us celebrate the chaos. Come to Miami Beach. Meet Gov. Jeb, Secretary of State Harris, and Ronald McDonald's mother.--

If you have a complaint about how difficult the ballot was, please send it to Santa Claus, The North Pole, USA.--

Hiring ballot counters. Must be white, rich and have stock in oil companies or poor, foreign and blind.--

Let's try to wrap this thing up by Thanksgiving. It's time to pick a turkey.

­­ Christmas is just around the corner. Remember, the true joy of Christmas is in giving. Give till it hurts. Helping someone to enjoy life is an enriching experience. Try it, I'll like it.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online November 21, 2000

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