­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Forget doctor, let's play president.

­­ Quote of the week: ''Wouldn't you know it. I have a near-death experience and no Roma Downey. Instead I get a carnie, running some kind of weird carnival ride. I suppose it serves me right. In the midst of making a decision about living or dying, my wife yells at me. I got a notion none of this is a good sign.'' The Peever

­­ Twelve things you never want to hear:--

That's not covered by the warranty.--

Hello, this is the IRS.--

This is for your own good.--

Relax this won't hurt a bit.--

I've never seen that happen before.--

Can you believe it?--

Here's what I can do for you.--

How was I suppose to know?--

I'm afraid we can't help you.--

It won't cost that much.--

I have just what you need.--

Get your hands up, face the wall, spread your legs and bend over.

­­ How to tell if you're a moron:--

If you haven't figured out whether you're a male or a female, you surely must be a moron. It doesn't take much research.--

Have you ever locked your keys inside the car, went home to get the other set, and suddenly realized where the house key was?--

Did you ever put on two different shoes?--

Have you ever regretted telling the truth when a lie would have been perfectly adequate?--

Have you ever got lost on your way from the bedroom to the bathroom?--

Getting your pee pee caught in your zipper is a moronism of the worst type.

­­ The electoral college is a grossly outdated concept that needs to be eliminated. I think the constitutional amendment needed to end such historic silliness needs to be acted upon immediately and should be retroactive to November 1, 2000.

­­ The sun's coming up on Main Street. The bricks have faded and the arches broken, but the dream of Main Street Galesburg is about to be renewed. Let's hope this round includes less facade and more substance. Unlike 23 years ago, sprawl is on the outs. The early K-Mart and Wal-Mart stores are already falling down. Huge expanses of asphalt mark their demise. It is time to move back to our centers. Loft apartments are a must, as are green spaces and gathering places to sit and talk. We need businesses that offer quality products and exceptional service. Libraries that entice our imaginations, cafes that serve something other than artery clogging fast foods. Grabbing back market share from the Wal-Marts of the world will take more than cute store fronts, planters, pretty street signs and local bricks. The downtown will need a market strategy, an economic game plan, and help from the City Council and a new zoning strategy. Sprawl needs to end, as do give-away programs to large discount chains. Unfortunately, no one at City Hall understands this. The original Main Street plan called for community self-determination and gradual transformation. That remains so today. We desperately need a City Council that understands this, an economic development group that believes it, and a mayor that will lead it.

­­ Things you wouldn't expect to see on a normal day:--

A rat carrying a cat.--

Republicans and Democrats getting along.--

The Anderson brothers at an anti-gun, pro-choice, pro-hemp growing rally.--

A salesclerk asking whether you need help.--

The City Council discussing something other than the obvious.--

I wouldn't expect to see most of the citizens of Galesburg take an active interest in what is going on around here, not on a normal day. I get the distinct feeling, on a normal day, we would sooner just bitch.

­­ From the moment of insight to the time I get something written down, life as we know it on earth could make some serious evolutionary jumps. Or the creation story could be rewritten, whichever.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online November 28, 2000

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