­­ Bumper sticker of the week: I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

­­ Quote of the week: ''Not I -- nor anyone else, can travel that road for you. You must travel it yourself.'' Walt Whitman

''Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really.'' A.S. Turnbull

''Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't much matter what you do in particular, so much as you live while you are doing it.'' Henry James

­­ My Christmas list:--

I need some new shoes. My one pair is getting a little old. The soles are worn so thin I can tell the type of wood a floor is made out of by just walking over it.--

I always need underwear. Two pair just don't cut it.--

I'd like some new golf clubs, but I doubt that will happen. Mrs. Santa don't like golf.--

I'm asking anyone who plans on giving me a fruitcake this year to please give it to some other person you don't like.--

I got me a new Christmas sock to hang up this year. It's big enough to get an angel in. I'm thinking one of those Charlie's Angel's. A real one, like in the movies.--

I was thinking of taking a Christmas trip to Florida, but I ain't going to Florida. I'm boycotting Florida. I've had all of Florida I can take for one year. Let me tell you a story bout a man named Jeb, a rich Texas man who barely got his brother elected. And then one day they were counting up some votes, and wouldn't you know it, his brother got the most.

­­ Republicans trying to steal an election. What a sight to behold. You expect Republican politicians to steal your money and give it to their rich business friends, but an election? This is the exclusive domain of the Democrats, particularly here in Illinois. Why there's not a self respecting Democrat in Chicago that would put up with such nonsense. Is nothing sacred anymore?

­­ The dangers of eating Chinese food: I like Chinese food, I'm just never quite sure where it comes from or what it is. I figure you can't go wrong eating what about one quarter of the world's population eats, even if you don't know what the hell it is.

­­ Gov. George Ryan's truck drivers test:

1. Take 3 trucks minus 2 trucks. How many trucks are left to bitch about having to unload?

2. Is it unlawful to hit a deer and squash it all over the road?

3. If gas costs $1.50 per gallon, how much would it cost you to get laid in the parking lot?

4. Can you read this test in English, or do you need a translator?

5. If you have to drive 800 miles in one day, how many miles do you have to drive before you take drugs?

6. Is it alright to run over little foreign cars that get in your way?

7. Are born again Christian truck drivers guaranteed a place in truck drivers heaven?

8. If you need to go 75 miles an hour to get somewhere on time, does it really matter that the speed limit is 55?

9. Should you pick up hitch-hikers around a women's prison?

10. If this test was too hard for you, attach a $50 bill. You're now a truck driver, and thanks for the donation.

­­ A night on the town: Did you ever have a Bloody Awful -- vodka and ketchup. What a mess. A couple came up to introduce themselves to me. I accidentally farted. The guy got mad at me for farting in front of his wife. I said I'm sorry, I'm new to this bar, and I didn't know it was your wife's turn. I topped the night off with a Tequila Eye Opener, which is Tequila and Visine. I could see what was going on after that, which scared me half to death. What a night. I'll never do that again.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online December 6, 2000

Back to The Zephyr