Leave It To Peever

­­ Bumper sticker of the week: Buy American while there's still time.

­­ Quote of the week: ''In saying yes to our calls, we bring flesh to word and form to faith. We bring substance to dreams, to passions, and to the ancient urgencies. We ground ourselves in life and bring ourselves into being as alchemists and the magicians in their finest hours.'' Gregg Levoy, ''Callings: Finding and Following and Authentic Life''

­­ The seven deadliest sins:

1. It doesn't pay to be nasty to a pitbull.

2. Don't point a play gun at a cop.

3. Don't try to talk to right-wing Christians about mythology.

4. Coveting thy neighbor's car is a lot safer than coveting his wife. And generally cheaper.

5. Don't eat chili and wear white underwear.

6. Praying that something bad happens to the other guy is not good. Neither is masturbating while driving.

7. Don't play with fire unless you have rubber bedsheets.

­­ I like the new toilets that use less water. Of course, you have to flush them two or three times if you happen to do anything other than pee. Whoever the dimwit was that thought you could save water by half-flushes must have never used 2-ply toilet paper.

­­ Life in the doghouse: I manage to be in the doghouse about once per week or so. The last incident involved mentioning to my wife that it only took her three hours to put up the outdoor Christmas lights. Seemed like an innocent enough statement. I just happened to notice. What was I doing during those three hours? Resting. Apparently that wasn't a good answer. Welcome to the doghouse. We do have two dogs, so it's not lonely.

­­ Trash day: I love trash day. Our trash day is on Thursday, unless, of course, there is a holiday. I'm never quite sure about holidays anymore. Some holidays are on the actual day of the holiday, others are two or three months later. I keep an eye on the neighbors, although it is obvious they are sometimes as confused as I am about the holidays. I like separating the good garbage from the bad, although this also can get confusing. I know aluminum is good garbage, but I'm never so sure about steel cans or glass. Anyway, I'm sure there are times I could be arrested for violating the garbage codes. ''Your honor, I'm sorry, I accidentally got some yard waste nixed up with my regular waste. I realize this a waste of your time and mine, but I swear, I'll never let it happen again.'' I'm guessing the haulers don't like when I bag up my dog's waste. They squash everything together in that truck. I bet it makes an awful mess. They do seem to get even every now and then. They let go of a bag about 30 feet from the truck and it splatters all over the ground. Garbage everywhere. And it's not in their contract to pick it up. I suppose fair is fair.

­­ Snow emergencies: It's that time of year. I throw all of my snow into the street, they plow it back into my driveway. We battle like this throughout the winter. No words are ever exchanged. We never come to blows. I hardly even hold it against them that their equipment is so much better and their soldiers younger. I shovel by night and dawn, and in an instant, they undo my work. But all this will soon change. I'm going to get one of those new super-dupper high powered snow blowers with a hot chocolate attachment. I'm giving it to my wife for Christmas.

­­ Newspaper ads: They sure put some silly stuff in the newspaper ads. They advertise the best car salesman of the month. Here is the person who cheated the most people, the most times, during any given month, and they're proud of it. I like the job ads. Ninety percent of the jobs are minimum wage jobs with no benefits, but they make them sound like you'll be the next CEO. How about all those tavern ads? Bands everywhere. They stick you in a 20x20 room, tell the band to play as loud as they can, and charge you to ruin your hearing. I personally like all the political ads during the election. They never put in the ads how they are going to immediately screw you upon being elected. This time of year the sale ads are something to behold. Thirty, forty, fifty percent off. If they didn't mess around paying for the ads, they could give everything away.

Uploaded to The Zephyr Online December 13, 2000

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