by Caroline Porter
Ten easy steps to manipulating an election
1) Pretend you (Bush-Cheney) are on high moral ground, even though your ticket is unconstitutional because both of you live and work in the same state.
2) Pretend to be on high moral ground, even though both candidates have a record of DUIs.
3) Post State cops outside the polling place of a huge, potentially Democrat, African-American dominated precinct in Florida, telling would-be voters they can't enter the polling place unless they have identification. They never get into the polling place and the cops break the law.
4) Hire a bunch of hoodlums from around the country to create a riot in the Dade County courthouse while the election commission is attempting to do a manual count. The commission is intimidated and stops the manual count.
5) When you run out of ballots at a precinct polling place, just tell people they can't vote - you're out of ballots.
6) If voters screw up their ballots and ask for another one, tell them they can't have it, even though it is their right. Better yet, tell disinfranchised voters to call the city election office for help, because you know no one is there.
7) Do everything possible to stop manual counts of the uncounted ballots because you know if they are counted Al Gore will win.
8) Keep asking Al Gore to concede even though he won more electoral votes and more popular votes on election day.
9) Be sure to close the polls at 7 pm., even though there is a line of voters who have waited for hours.
10) Send your party workers into the county election office to remove Republican applications for absentee ballots so they can be doctored up and made legitimate.
11) Make sure your brother, the Governor of Florida, delivers.
12) Keep saying everyone is non-partisan except the Florida Supreme Court, four members of which were recently re-elected by the people.
Footnote: It is a myth that Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley stole the 1960 presidential election from Republican Richard Nixon. John Kennedy received 303 electoral votes, Nixon 219, even though the popular vote was very close. Nixon needed more states than Illinois to win. He demanded recounts in eleven states which lasted until the end of December.
Caroline Porter is a freelance writer from Galesburg and can be reached at 309/342-1337 or firstname.lastname@example.org.