It has to be a stroke of entrepreneurial geniusry...my disposable razor and I. Ive spent a few years now trying to extend the use of my twin blade disposable razors as has been written and discussed quite often redundantly by me a lot ad nauseum seems like forever. Im praying that this is not what I am remembered for after I die which looks more and more inevitable with each passing year. Im praying that I will be remembered for my priceless pieces of art...made from new and used Styrofoam cups...a much better memorial to ones soul, dont ya think?
Let me back up a bit. Not an awful lot of years back I used to use disposable razors just like most of the population ...use one for a week or two and then chuck it into the burgeoning waste stream that is now more rapidly choking our poor planet to death. That notwithstanding, my peeve back then was that, for years, perhaps every 13th or 14th disposable or so went "dull" quicker than normal. So, I called the companys hot line and told them this. I guess to assuage me, they sent me a small stack of coupons good for 4 ten-packs...a nice gesture, 40 free disposables. It was also and ironically about this time in history that I began pushing the length of time I use them ...3 weeks ...a month ...5 months ...a year. The last one lasted me 18 months and I probably have about 37 of the freebie razors left. If you do the math you will find that in the glistening razorial realm, I am set for the next 55 plus years. I am now 57 years old... hmmmm, were talking free shaves that will extent to my male heir here. I wonder if I should store them in a pyramid shaped vessel to assure their pristine sharpness. Before I go to far afield... let me get back to that last razor, the 18 month jobbie. I wrote a brief history about it and mailed it back to the President and CEO of the company that manufactured it, as I do with all my disposables that have achieved notable longevity. This time however, something strange happened ...I got a response. The letter explained that the President and Chief Operating Officer appreciated receiving my letter and passed it on to the Consumer Service Team Leader for response. It said my comments were being shared with all the people who work on the product. Im guessing they are brainstorming and formulating how they can make the product last even longer and how to inform the consumer that they need to buy less of their product and that they actually do love you and are thinking of you financially. Really. The performance piece has not ended yet. Theres more. They generously enclosed a complimentary gift for my kind words, ten dollars in gift coupons good for any of their products. Well, gosh dern it, ...they know I dont need disposabes! I might be being juncturatively presumptive here, but this gift gives the appearance that they are rewarding me to use less of their product overall and giving me some free stuff to help me along. This is indeed a very noble gesture, especially in todays corporate climate where we, the people, have become leery of corporate greed and the like. This company may be the in the vanguard of the long anticipated turnaround in our deteriorating societal structure. They seem to be expounding a philosophy wherein some corporate leaders throw off the mantle of avarice and show genuine care and concern for us, their consumer base, rather than the cheap transparent commercial rhetorical garbage spewn at us from our 93 inch flat screen plasma TVs. Im guessing they would like to see a more prudent distribution of capital from those who dont need it to those that do. This gesture clearly demonstrates that this particular corporate president will not longer take a multi-million dollar bonus in the same year his workers are asked to forsake even the smallest of razors, oops, Freudian slip, I mean raises, to aid in the cause of keeping their business afloat. He will undoubtedly ask that his pay be reduced to a more reasonable and livable wage and that his stock options be canceled. Hahahahahahahaahahaha. So here I am ...49 days into a new disposable razor and just a groovin on life, love, and good ole entrepreneurialism. What more could a person ask for. The Gift Certificates? Well, Im wating for the aforementioned alluded to corporations brand of under arm deodorant to go on sale so that I can scoff up a money saving supply, even though its their money. Did I mention what Ive started doing with underarm deodorant a while back. Say for instance, I used to apply six swipes to my person. I now apply four...right there is a 33% savings and it still works the same. This also keeps the case the deodorant comes in out of the environment just that little much longer, which and unless you can find another use for said case which would keep it out even longer than that. Look at the time now will ya...its almost time for me to shave. As a disclaimer, I want to add that I am not against corporations in general, I think the corporation is a great concept when it is run true to its ideals. What I am against sleeze, especially when in the long run it is going to cost me or my fellow humans some of their hard earned bucks. My sole intent is to provoke the quiet masses into taking back the dignity that is rightfully theirs and help stamp out what seems these days to be rampant greed and corruption... but this is a story for another day.
J. Jules Vitali is a sculptor, columnist and poet who resides in Freeport, Maine.He is the creator of the art form, Styrogami(tm) which can be seen on the web at www.styrogami.com