GameBoy Chevrolet

uhh, let's see...a Game Boy or a new Chevrolet?** (The author uses the terms Gameboy and Chevrolet in the pluperfect generic subjunctive only because both names are dear to him. The reader is free to substitute another product moniker of equal or like or not like value to better suit his/her own proclivities.)

...that's the one question that has forever plagued me, well at least for the past few weeks or so, ''a Game Boy or a new Chevrolet?'' They each do have there strong points. We have the Game Boy on one hand that is constantly being examined by its omni-imaginative creators to find ways to increase it speed, efficiency, graphics, memory, precision, handling, storage, etc., to make it more fun and exiting. Then we have the Chevy...same thing, engineers always brainstorming and honing methodologies for making it with more expensive with more landfill choking plastic and less metal, and loading it to the to the hilt with more complicated mechanisms so that humans, like you and I for instance, can no longer repair on our own and in turn will spend a fortune for some authorized manufacturer's officially trained mechanical associate to 'analyze' on some high-fallutin' computer that, once plugged into the car's secret hidden orifices, can tell this mystical mechanic exactly wherein lies the problem. On first view, it would seem that the GameBoy and the Chevrolet are diametrically opposed...but in steps the fantasy that I've formulated due to a high acumen of entrepreneurial dearth that has been rudimentally capitulated over the foreseeable past and convoluted herewith.

I now give you (ta da) The GameBoy Chevrolet! Farfetched and high flung you're thinking. Maybe so...maybe not. All the controls you'll ever need for this beauty are right on the steering wheel. A little button or two for up and down, left and right...a 'jump' button and something to activate whatever 'tool' might currently be loaded into your driving arsenal. It would all be very simple. So in the past, as cars got older, they got less reliable, less dependable, worn, tired and rusty and Gameboys got more efficient, adept, fun, exiting. What would happen if you married the two together?

Just think of it...your driving down the highway and you look down at your screen/odometer area and a little message is flashing, ''The toe-in on your right front wheel is slightly out of whack, no biggie, when you get home, I'll project an easy drawing of the bolt you have to tighten just two turns to save yourself $68.95, plus applicable state and federal taxes to have me running straight and true once again.'' Or, ''I sense an erratic driver coming in from the right at the next intersection, you might want to slow from 41 to 37 miles per hour to avoid it altogether, take you foot off the accelerator and I'll set it for you.'' This device would learn and remember the habits of all who drive it and compensate thusly and amass driving points in some form that could be used for ''dealer repair shop avoidance credits'' or ''lower your monthly payment chits'' and what not. It would learn as it was driven. Beginning to sound a little like HAL in 2001?...well just turn down the volume on the voice or let the Gameboy feature pull in any radio station you like, crisply, cleanly, clearly, no matter where you are. If you wanted to have a chat with Gameboy, push the ''up'' button twice and hit ''jump ''and you'll instantly get the same inane dialog as you might have with yourself, but, you'll get apropos responses; the responses that you, yourself fantasize, not just some made up junk. Another nice feature of having a vehicle with this amazing Gameboy feature is that it would allow you to get air in your tires...... for free, the way you used to be able to do in the olden days, two and a half years ago. A map module of anywhere you wanted to go that would talk you through the directions in your own voice is also absolutely free. Variable shift massaging ergonomic ''center of gravity'' posturpedic, as well as a windshield that would match the prescription of the driver and all passengers automatically. Environmentally friendly individually controlled VanderGraff static electricity heaters and air conditioners. A fuel gauge that doesn't stay on Full forever and then just jump to a quarter tank suddenly like the ones in cars today. I know your thinking to yourself that this vehicle must be awfully expensive...but, alas, not so. This car takes today's greed and avarice into consideration. Let's say it has a par value of $4000, that's fair considering it will last 20 years before being recycled. Maybe it could learn to run itself on used up batteries or old fluorescent bulbs and unused paint and spew scads of clean air...any detritus left from unusable fuel components could be turned into compost for your yard.

It's ideas like this that make me, as an uncontrollable conceptual entrepreneur, unattractive to the business sector. I think it's the idea of fairness and helpfulness to fellow human beings that throws the wrench into their decency hoppers. I'm foolish for believing that someday the consumer will stop being the sheep and take control of their own marketing destinies by withholding their capital and forcing these megalithic corporate conglomerates from dehumanizing them and taking most of their money which it in turn uses to make more ads and commercials that induce us to spend even more of our hard earned bucks on their stuff. The moolah they don't use for ads and commercials goes into the big executive bonus pot and gets shared amongst the bigwigs during the cold winter holidays. When I go afield like this it's time to stop, pour a cup of tea, and chill and think about contemporary art. Later.

J. Jules Vitali is a Sculptor, Publisher, Columnist and Graphic Designer who resides in Freeport, Me. He can be reached at

Uploaded to The Zephyr website June 12, 2002

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