Sometimes,
you run across something so perfect that you just have to share it.
Last week,
an anonymous commenter on my blog composed a thing of
pure beauty. The Automated Rod
Blagojevich Story Generator is a very funny satire on how our state politics are
stuck in a bizarre, ever-repeating spectacle.
The idea,
the commenter explained, is to "pick one item from each section to
generate a typical Rod Blagojevich story." And here it is...
Today
Governor BlagojevichÕs office announced a...
1) new
program
2)
variation on a previously proposed program
3) impotent
condemnation of the Federal government over policy
4)
sympathetic "me-too" press statement riding the tail of a national
issue
5) new
lawsuit
6) no-bid
contract for a friend
7) renamed
version of a previous governorÕs program
...that met
with...
1)
skepticism from the General Assembly over implementation.
2) howls of
derision from members of his own party.
3)
noncommittal responses from state leadership.
4) a call
for his impeachment by Rep. Jack Franks.
5)
complaints of unfunded mandates and frivolous expense by civic/business groups.
6)
unanswered questions about accountability from experts in the field.
His new
idea is to provide...
1) free
healthcare for pets.
2) singing
lessons to Miley Cyrus.
3) free
trips out of the country for anyone who is of Syrian extraction or named
Madigan.
4) generous
retirement plans for prosecuting attorneys and judges.
Blagojevich
said there would be enough money for all the programs he proposes and to pay
off the state deficit by way of...
1) GRT tax.
2) a
value-added tax on general revenue.
3) a
previously rejected funding plan.
4) just not
looking too closely at the books.
5) a
truckload of new gambling expansion.
6)
auctioning off everything not nailed down.
7) removing
"corporate loopholes"É in campaign funding restrictions.
The
governor, thru a spokesperson, dodged questions about...
1) a
current racketeering investigation in which his name is prominent.
2) a lack
of detail on the implementation of the new initiative.
3) the
absence of funding mechanism for the proposal.
4) the fact
that insiders and campaign contributors would be involved.
5) a new
law suit / countersuit.
6) a
previous, related suit of his being dismissed as frivolous or without merit.
7) his
taxes.
Later, on
his way...
1) to a
fundraiser
2) from a
fundraiser
3) to his
home
4) to a
Hannah Montana concert
5) to a
Cubs game
6) to a
Hawks game
7) to an
intramural Jai ali contest
8) to
Winston & Strawn
9) from
something that most definitely was NOT a fundraiser
...the
governor was accosted by reporters demanding an explanation. The governor...
1) ducked
into his state airplane
2) ducked
into a black Suburban
3) gathered
a protective ring of schoolchildren from a passing field trip
4) began quoting
1970Õs Cubs batting averages
5)
demonstrated his recall of state area codes
6) blamed
George Ryan for everything
7) said
whatever it was, he didnÕt do it, unless it was for "the people"
8) reminded
everyone he got bad grades in school
9) blamed
Mike Madigan for not doing enough
10) asked
Emil Jones to run block for him and ran for the sidelines
11) told
the elephant struck by lightning/ boy digging in horse stall story
...and
reiterated that he was...
1) the son
of immigrants
2) the
son-in-law of a powerful Chicago alderman
3) a man of
the people
4) not a
big reader or mathematician
5) not a
"process" guy
6) not
wearing lifts
7) not yet
indicted
8) not
using "just for men"
...and said
that details would be...
1)
forthcoming from a press aide.
2) forthcoming
from private lawyers on state payroll.
3) open to
negotiation, if he felt like it.
4)
something Lon and those guys would take care of.
5) George
RyanÕs fault.
A
spokesperson for the governor clarified his comments by saying...
1) we donÕt
do business that way.
2) we never
knew this was going on.
3) we were
always in the forefront of preventing/promoting this exact kind of thing.
4) we have
never heard of this person (or organization).
5) this was
something that was done by low level-underlings.
6) accused
is not indicted.
7) indicted
is not convicted.
8)
convicted means nothing until after an appeal.
9) this is
all a plot by Madigan.
10) we will
study the issue and appoint a task force headed by a relative or friend.
11) it was
an "up" day.
Rich Miller also publishes Capitol Fax, a daily political
newsletter, and thecapitolfaxblog.com.