The lesson of this story:
Be careful what you say because Washington, DC can be a very bizarre, mean and
unforgiving place.
From: Tommy Vietor, Barack
Obama press secretary To: Rich Miller
Subject: Obama press
release
U.S. Senator Barack Obama
(D-IL) today released the following statement about U.S. Transportation
Secretary Norman MinetaÕs pledge to provide $337 million in federal funds for
expansion at O'Hare International Airport:
"This funding is an
important first step in the O'Hare modernization process which ultimately will
make our nation's aviation system safer and more efficient."
From: Rich Miller
To: Tommy Vietor, Barack
Obama press secretary Re: Obama press release
Going out on a limb as
always, I see.
From: Tommy Vietor, Barack
Obama press secretary To: Rich Miller
Re: Obama press release
We are also pro-puppy, for
the record.
From: Rich Miller
To: Tommy Vietor, Barack
Obama press secretary Re: Obama press release
Does that mean he's
anti-kitten?
From: Tommy Vietor, Barack
Obama press secretary To: Rich Miller
Re: Obama press release
No comment!
From: Rich Miller
To: Tommy Vietor
WASHINGTON, DC: A top aide
to US Sen. Barack Obama refused to confirm or deny today that the popular
freshman legislator despises kittens.
"No comment!"
bellowed Obama press spokesman Tommy Vietor when asked about rumors that the
affable Senator harbored an intense but secret hatred of the fluffy cuties.
Vietor would only say that
Obama is "pro-puppy."
A spokesperson for the
NAACO (National Association for the Advancement of Cat Owners) decried Obama's
unwillingness to take a firm stand on the widespread cat-hating rumors.
"That's just so cowardly," Tawny Kitaen hissed. "If he thinks
he's going to be president one day, he's got another thing coming."
A National Organization
for Women leader pointed out that often when men despise cats they also resent
women. "I think we've been given a profound insight into Sen. Obama's
character," said NOW's national vice president Feo HassenmŠnner.
From: Tommy Vietor
To: Rich Miller
I believe we need to set a
timetable for kitten withdrawal from Iraq, too.
From: Rich Miller
To: Tommy Vietor
KISSIMME, FLORIDA:
President Bush today attacked US Sen. Barack Obama for suggesting that he set a
timetable for withdrawing kittens from Iraq.
"As long as I'm
president, kitties will be able to freely roam that country under our
protection. Now, watch this drive," Bush said during an improptu press
conference at a Florida golf course this morning.
Obama has been enmeshed in
an ever-increasing spiral of controversy since a spokesperson refused to deny
rumors that he is a cat-hater.
Vice President Dick Cheney
released a statement this morning from his undisclosed bunker charging that
Obama was "supporting the terrorists," with his
"irresponsible" call to withdraw kittens from the war-torn nation.
The Drudge Report added
more fuel to the fire this afternoon when it ran a huge headline decrying Obama
as a "LIBERAL HYPOCRITE BIGOT" because his children own two toy cats
purchased at Wal-Mart and manufactured in China.
Senate Majority Leader
Bill Frist has announced that his chamber will conduct a bipartisan ethics
inquiry of Obama, despite the fact that no ethics rules appear to have been
violated and no Demcrats will be allowed onto the committee. "We need to
get peoples' minds off Tom Delay," a Frist aide explained.
Washington Post editor Bob
Woodward and former New York Times reporter Judith Miller are expected to speak
on behalf of the Bush administration during CNN's Larry King Live program later
tonight.
One thing is certain, say
wealthy Democratic insiders who never have kind words for Democrats, Obama must
get in front of this story before his once bright future is ruined.
From: Rich Miller
To: Tommy Vietor
Tonight, on 60 Minutes...
(tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick)...
Tommy Vietor had it all.
The finest K-Mart suits, a cold-water flat in the toney southeastern corner of
Washington, DC, a vintage 1978 Plymouth Fury and a 16-hour-a-day job as US Sen.
Barack Obama's press secretary.
But the high life ended
last year when Vietor revealed that his boss hated kittens. A horrified nation
watched as Obama was forced to resign from the Senate in disgrace.
60 Minutes recently found
Vietor working at this tuna-processing plant in rural Maine, where, ironically,
dozens of cats - the animal that got Obama into so much trouble - now follow
him home every night... (tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick)
Don't think it couldn't
happen.
-30-
Rich Miller also publishes
Capitol Fax, a daily political newsletter. He can be reached at
capitolfax.blogspot.com.