LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Put Saddam back in charge

— Bumper sticker of the week: Politicians are like dirty diapers — they need to be changed every so often, for the same reasons.

— Quote of the week: "Vice-President Cheney, while hunting wild geese in the Rose Garden, accidentally shot President Bush twice, once in the heart and once in the head. 'I really didn’t shot the President twice,' said Cheney. 'The second time I shot him, I was President.'" Comedian Steve Martin

— Intersection of dreams and nightmares:

• You finally got that promotion you were promised, but the company announces it is moving

operations to China.

• The computer age. Miraculous wizardry. In my business, all it has done is usher in more paperwork and less time for clients. And we call that progress.

• It’s nice that the world is getting warmer. I’ve always wanted to live in the desert.

• I found a decent job, but no health insurance. The company is more interested in its stockholders than its employees.

• Justice is a wonderful thing, if you can afford to buy it.

• Freedom. The dream of being free. Under the Bush administration, "freedom" is just another word.

• My dream for Iraq: Put Saddam back in charge. He’ll either straighten it up, or they will kill him. We need to write the whole thing off as a bad dream turned nightmare.

— Signs that you’re broke:

• You don’t get any more credit card applications in the mail.

• The only calls you get are from creditors.

• You finally clean your sofa and chairs, looking for loose change.

• All your condiments in the refrigerator are from McDonald’s.

• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

• Baloney doesn’t stick around long enough in your house to get a first name.

— My new book, How to Cope With a Viagra Junkie. Written exclusively for women. It features ten chapters to help you deal with the ups and ups of life with your "new man."

Chapter One: “Getting Used to the Idea.” A short synopsis on the effects of overexertion, sleep deprivation, and chronic back pain.

Chapter Two: “Budgeting Your Time.” A short course on how to manage your time around an addicted Viagra taker.

Chapter Three: “Not Again.” An assertive training exercise to help you gain back control of your body.

Chapter Four: “How to Accomplish Other Things While Having Sex.” A short list of ideas like crocheting, polishing silver, and reading. It will take you a while to get the hang of it.

Chapter Five: “When Headaches Aren’t Enough.” Additional medical reasons to avoid having sex.

Chapter Six: “Bringing Up Finances.” Can we really afford to buy all this Viagra?

Chapter Seven: “Calling for Help.” How to ask for help from the prone position.

Chapter Eight: “You Once Dreamt of This.” How to undo a fantasy turned reality.

Chapter Nine: “The Antidote.” The importance of keeping sharp objects around.

Chapter Ten: “25 Things You Can Do With That Thing Besides Bother Me.” Useful tidbits of information. Maybe a hat rack. How about hanging clothes? Or cat fishing? This is worth the price of the book alone. Just four easy payments of $9.95, plus shipping, and you’ll get the relief you so richly deserve. (Visa and Master Charge accepted).