LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

A billion here, a billion there

– Bumper sticker of the week: I support whatever Fox News tells me to.

– Quote of the week: ''Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard working, honest Americans. It's the other 2% that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them." Lily Tomlin

– How to be irrelevant, irresponsible, and illogical all at the same time: Run for the county board.

– As I lay in bed this morning thinking how screwed up this country has become, the questions start: How did we get to the point that we believe that killing people can win over their hearts? That we somehow think that we know what is best for everyone? How do you end up torturing people in an attempt to win them over to democracy? How does someone who joins the military become a front-page news item, but those who protest the war continue to be looked at with disdain and suspicion? When is it going to end that people have to file bankruptcy over health-related expenses? Why would we keep a President in office who has blatantly and repeatedly lied to us? The longer I lay in bed, the more questions I have that I can't answer. So I got up and took my meds. Somehow, everything makes sense now.

– You can't beat a good guarantee, unless, of course, the company goes out of business. Then you're guaranteed to get screwed.

– A self-administered test to check your sanity, or lack thereof:

• Count backwards from ten. If you get to eight, you're not so bad.

• Do you know who the President of the United States is? This may help show you are sane, but will not protect you from depression.

• If you have more than one person living in your body, kick out all but one. I would keep the one who claims to be God.

• If you're seeing things that aren't really there, don't get excited. Just double up on your meds.

• If you are hearing people talk to you when no one else is around, get out of the confessional.

• If you cuss others out for no good reason and want to shoot them, either find a good psychiatrist or get a job at the post office.

• If your best friend is Mr. Coffee, you better start getting out more.

• You're pretty much insane if you're not normal. You're pretty much not normal if you're reading this. Sorry.

– Bush's approval rating is below 30%. And that's in the Fox News poll, whom I'm told poll only Republicans. So in reality, it must be at about 2 or 3%. When he hits zero, I hear he'll disappear. Come on folks, get out and vote.

– Bill Gates is no longer the richest person in the world. Warren Buffett took over, with an estimated fortune at $62 billion. Poor Bill fell to third, with a mere $58 billion. Here are some facts to ponder about a billion:

• A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

• A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

• It would take 31 years, 251 days to count to one billion at the rate of one number per second.

• A tightly packed stack of $1000 bills totaling one billion would be 63 miles high.

• Yet a billion dollars of spending by our federal government was only 8 hours and 20 minutes ago.

• Our current debt: over 9 trillion dollars. (A trillion is a thousand billion.) A billion here, a billion there.