LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Gospel according to Peever

— Bumper sticker of the week: Who would Jesus torture?

— Quote of the week: "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked for forgiveness." Emo Philips

— I would have to say, all things being equal, that the Knox County Courthouse is a mess. It's hard to tell who's on first, what's on second, and who knows where when's at? I'm pretty sure the level of competence that everyone is working at is about to equal zero. And incompetence is a horrible thing.

— Speaking of incompetence: Congress wants to build a wall to keep Mexicans out of the U.S. They voted to do so, but they didn't vote any money to pay for it. They can't seem to be able to rebuild dikes in New Orleans, or replace all the damaged homes from Katrina, but they somehow think they can build a wall the length of our southern boarder to keep out Mexicans. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

— Republicans should not run for office. They hate government. They don't want regulations. They don't want government programs, at least none that help the poor. They don't want this terrible thing called government to interfere with their lives or their ability to make huge profits. Why would you elect a Republican, who hates government, to run it? It's no wonder they're no good at it.

— The Gospel according to Peever:

• In the beginning, there were no humans. And it was good. The world flourished. Then God got this brilliant idea: Why not ruin everything?

• Ten commandments are not near enough. I would have 5,354, most having to do with the rich screwing the poor.

• People mistake the Garden of Eden for creation. That was an orgy. Evolution is the creation story.

• Thou shall not kill. How much simpler can I make it?

• Do not take people like Oral Roberts, or Jerry Falwell, or Pat Robertson, or Dr. James Dobson, or Rev. John Hagee, or Jim Bakker, as spokespersons for Christ. He would have nothing to do with them.

• If God would have known people were going to get in wars over religion, he'd have never thought this stuff up.

• I have been noticing most people are not praying, they're begging. You got to quit that.

• In the end, there was nothing left but politicians. And God said, "This is bad. Peever, why don't you take over." And a deep hush fell over the land, and a voice could be heard crying from the White House: "Oh shit!"

— The first time I read the Register-Mail in six months, and what do I stumble on, a guest editorial by the former President of Monmouth College, decrying the evils of universal healthcare. He obviously spent way too much time in Warren County. He demonstrates how terrible the Canadian system is by citing a total of one case, while indicating that hundreds of Canadians flock into a hospital in Buffalo, N.Y., for treatment, presumably denied to them in Canada. This guy didn't get to be President of Monmouth College by writing like this. At least, I hope not. He neglected to mention the 50 million people uninsured in the United States, one of which I bet is not him. Or that we are the only industrialized nation in the world without some form of universal healthcare. One would have to assume that's not because we're so smart. At any rate, his argument is not going to hold up much longer. With baby boomers turning 65, the Medicare system, a socialist system, I might add, will soon, out of necessity, turn into a universal healthcare system. Covering everyone else will be a minor expense. I do agree with him, nothing is for free. We may have to do without the tax breaks for the rich, or starting wars on false pretenses, but when we want to, we seem to be able to come up with the money. And we'll be saving tons when people like Mr. Haywood refuse to take Medicare payments because of their disdain for socialist programs. Thanks.