LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

— Bumper sticker of the week: Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

— Quote of the week: "Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike." John Muir

— Democratic legislators leave Texas: In a plan cooked up by U. S.Representative Tom DeLay, the Texas state Republicans attempt to redistrict the state, with the hope of coming up with more Republican legislators for DeLay to boss around. The state Democrats headed for Oklahoma, ending the attempted coup. I’ve heard tell this was the worst legislative session in Texas’ history. Now all they need to do is get the Republicans to go to Arkansas, and Texas would probably be a lot better off.

— I get a lot of e-mail suggesting I need to enlarge my penis. How do all these people know that?

— Excuses I’ve heard for why a urine screen comes up positive:

• All my friends smoke marijuana and I was in the same room.

• I did use a little of that about three months ago.

• I had three hamburgers last night. The buns had poppy seeds on them.

• Someone must have put that in my drink.

• Isn’t that a chemical we naturally have in our bodies?

• That wasn’t really my urine. I cheated. That was a friend’s.

• My doctor said it was a good idea if I used a little of that.

— If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

— People keep asking how gas prices can go up and down so fast. Up 16 cents, down 2, up 10 cents, down 1. Why prices vary so much from community to community? Why the price is usually higher in Galesburg? The answer is easy: TheyHerr cheating us.

— Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.

— Next Halloween I’m going to dress up like a soldier and pretend I’m George Bush Jr.

— Education is not near worth the price that they’re getting for it. We’re bankrupting a lot of kids before they ever get a start, all so we, the adults, can say we’re successful.

— We need jobs, not jails.

— We are exporting jobs and importing workers. It doesn’t take an economic genius to figure out that ain’t going to work.

— lmagine:

• Everyone having a place to live.

• No one going to bed hungry.

• Getting adequate health-care when you need it.

• Peace being more of a priority than war.

• Everyone having meaningful work.

• A college education being free.

• Being able to retire after 30 years of work.

• That we place environmental concerns above profit.

• A living wage being paid to all workers.

• Fast-rail government–owned transportation between all major cities.

• Public servants, not politicians.

• No one person or family being able to hold more than 25 million dollars in assets.

• Someone once imagined going to the moon.

• lmagine that.