LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Bush's brain leaked

— Bumper sticker of the week: Ignorance and arrogance is bad foreign policy.

— Quote of the week: “May God break my heart so completely that the whole world falls in.” Mother Teresa

— If it weren’t for bad luck:

1. My lotto numbers hit, but I forgot to buy a ticket.

2. I found a bag of money, but unfortunately, it was all counterfeit.

3. I won the grand prize at the right-to-die convention.

4. I bet I’m the only person who ever won a shopping spree at the Salvation Army.

5. Going to dinner with Mike Tyson was not my idea of 1st place.

6. The only time I got a hole-in-one, I was playing golf alone.

7. How often do people get struck by lightening 3 times?

8. I won an all-expense paid trip to Baghdad.

9. I finally met my computer girlfriend. She had more hair than my dog.

10. Somebody told me wishing for good luck was bad. They obviously ain’t familiar with bad luck.

— I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

— An ordinance for prairie plots: Seems odd that Galesburg wants an ordinance to monitor, define, and regulate prairie plots. Particularly since we live on a prairie. Burning off a prairie plot might cause pollution. I think it just reminds them of burn barrels. Anyway, I suppose there’s no need for a prairie anymore. Things nowadays are more refined. More orderly. Cleaner lines. More lawn-like. It’s neater. Sameness is next to Godliness. Besides, if we get rid of prairie plots, maybe Cracker Barrel will come to town?

— Karl Rove breaks the law: Ain’t it funny how some people can get away with committing a felony, and others can’t. I guess it pays to create Presidents in your own image.

— Some economic development ideas (I’m only charging $25,000, which is well below what we’re currently paying):

1. Oak Run has been a successful tax-producing endeavor. How about another 3 or 4 of those?

2. I think we should go for the Olympics. We could call it “The Down-Home, Backyard, Summer Games.”

3. I still think the courthouse would make a good whorehouse, with slots and bingo.

4. A professional baseball team wouldn’t be bad, although I hear the Pioneers are struggling. To up the ante and get everyone’s attention, how about some dancing girls between innings?

5. I heard somebody mention a soccer complex?

6. Let’s buy an industrial park and make everybody put up outdoor johns. Kind of a throwback to the good old days. We could call it Heritage Park and sell corncobs.

7. Here’s a novel idea: Let’s invite the Chinese to make refrigerators.

8. Let’s charge every train passing thru town carrying dangerous chemicals a $10,000 fee. Kind of an ”endangering our lives” ransom.

9. I think we should open a public golf course and require every golfer to buy a 12-pac for

$20.

10. I always thought a company that gives away junk that other companies don’t want would go over big. Someone with an idea like that might even become mayor some day.