— Bumper
sticker of the week: How is it we can find money for war but not for
health-care?
— If you
lend someone $100 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
— I get a
lot of e-mails recommending how I can boost my manhood. Lately, there have also
been a lot wanting me to buy replica watches. I wonder if my manhood would be
boosted by buying a fake Rolex?
— Generally
speaking, youÕre not learning much when your lips are moving.
— Answering
the e-mail:
¥ Herman: What do
you think about Israel and Lebanon?
Peever: I think
we need to put a tranquilizer in the Israeli water supply. They seem awful
eager to kill those less armed. It would be a lot simpler if Bush, say, were to
give them Texas. In the long run, it would work out much better, for everyone.
¥ Donna: Why donÕt
you support Bush? The economy is better, employment is up, and terrorists are
on the run.
Peever: And
tomorrow the sun is going to come up in the West, my dogs are going to start
pooping gold, and the Cubs are going to win the pennant.
¥ Tom: What do you
think Galesburg could do to help itself?
Peever: The
tranquilizer idea probably wouldnÕt be too bad.
¥ Sally: IsnÕt it
nice we wonÕt have to pay for the improvements being made on North Seminary
Street to accommodate the new shopping center?
Peever: Yeah. And
I have some property IÕd like to sell you in Beirut.
¥ Don: What
religion do you advise people to follow? I get the impression you donÕt like
Christianity?
Peever: I donÕt
make religious recommendations, even though IÕm an ordained minister. (It took
me an hour on the Internet, which I thought was ridiculously long.) Follow your
heart, do good, donÕt kill anyone, and donÕt screw the neighborÕs wife, nor his
ass. Short of that, youÕre on your own.
¥ Ken: IÕm new in
town. Where are the best places to eat?
Peever: YouÕve
come to the right person. I love to eat. Here are some of my favorites, in no
particular order: Joy Garden, Jalisco, New China, MacÕs Place, Club 41(St.
Augustine), Barnstormer (Monmouth), and Crappies for wings, unbreaded
tenderloin, hamburger, and fries. Bon Appetit! See you in rehab.
¥ Robert: You
apparently donÕt like Republicans. Why is that?
Peever: Look
around. Nuclear proliferation, war, money scams, environmental devastation,
right-wing religious nonsense (creationism, stem cell research), no jobs, no
health-care, no help for the poor. Now ask me that again.
¥ Bud: Do you think
the world has any chance to survive?
Peever: The world
will survive, but IÕm not so sure about humans. IÕm coming to the conclusion
that may not be all that bad.
¥ Larry: What do
you think about the hot topics, stem cell research and gay marriages?
Peever: Stem cell
research is the only hope for cures for tens of thousands of people. Making it
a religious issue is more right wing, Christian idiocy. Bush is for the 1,953rd time wrong. All
the scientists and researchers will move to India, China, Japan, Russia. WeÕll
sink into a 3rd world nation, which we will so richly deserve. As far as gay
marriages, who cares?