LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

A recipe for disaster

— Bumper sticker of the week: Impeach ‘em all. Let’s start over

— Quote of the week: “I heard somebody say, ‘Where’s Mandela?’ Well, Mandela’s dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.” George W. Bush, Sept. 20, 2007. (Of course, Nelson Mandela is still very much alive).

— Answering the e-mail:

• Dear Peever: What exactly is the difference between us burning our own downed trees and branches, or the city burning them? Tony

Dear Tony: None.

• Mr. Peever: What’s your take on all the tasering going on? John

Dear John: Remember, a police officer, in order to qualify, has to flunk a psychiatric exam. As I understand it, one of the questions is: Would you taser your own grandmother if she were caught jay-walking? Apparently the right answer is yes.

• Dear Bruce: I’ll bet you are supportive of Iran’s president being in the U.S., and giving speeches at Columbia University and the UN? Louie

Dear Louie: I understand this to be a free country and a place that champions the cause of free speech? I of course could be mistaken. Ahmadinejad was elected President of Iran by popular vote, in 2005. The election was valid and free, unlike ours in 2000 and 2004. He is an outspoken critic of Bush and his administration, which we have in common. He has a Ph.D. in transportation engineering. He was Mayor of Tehran before being elected president. Under the Iranian constitution, he is not the highest ranking official. The Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the supreme leader. Somewhat similar to Bush and Dick Cheney’s arrangement. I do not support his development of nuclear weapons. But nor do I support the U.S. having them. So far, we are the only ones that have used them. He has that on us. In a debate, George wouldn’t last past the opening statement. Amadinejad is a bit more intelligent, and a whole lot more articulate.

• Peever: Your penis is going to appear on Fox News. Harry

Dear Harry: I hope it will still be attached? And you better have a big screen TV.

• Mr. Bruce: I agree with you concerning your views on Wal-Mart. What can we do to stop them? Karen

Dear Karen: Don’t shop there. Buy your things direct from China on the Internet. Skip the middle man.

• Mr. Peever: What do you think about the city giving GREDA more money to finance advertising their pet cornfield? Fred

Dear Fred: I bet their arms still hurt from all the twisting. I don’t see it working out, but I do hope they enjoy themselves in China. I’ve made them my own offer, but haven’t heard anything yet. I think they are afraid we might come up with something. That would spoil all their fun.

• Mr. Weik: I suppose you support Hillary? Tom

Dear Tom: It looks like she is going to be the Democratic nominee. If so, she will become the first female President in our history. It would serve Bill right. He would become the First Gentleman. Sweet revenge for Hillary. I can’t help but hope she wins. That would really piss off all the right-wing Republicans. They’d probably all pee their beds, which would make me giggle.

• Peever: What do you think about a 3-lane Seminary street? All three lanes lead to Wal-Mart. Sherry

Dear Sherry: Trying to aggravate me, aren’t you? It is a recipe for disaster. The traffic has doubled, and the center lane appears to be an express lane. The ambulances are going down it at about 50 miles per hour. People are passing one another in it. And bikes seem to think it was built for them. Some of us still have to back out of our driveways onto this expressway. Pray for us.