– Bumper sticker of the week: Bush/Cheney 2004: Because the truth just isn’t good enough.

– The eight biggest faults of Christians:

1. Christians think Christians are the only people who will be going to heaven. Yea, sure!

2. Christians do a lot of fancy talking, most of which sounds like right—wing ideology.

3. Many Christians go to church for seemingly no good reason, unless you count show—boating as a virtue.

4. Christians can misuse the Bible as badly as my hemorrhoids sometimes hurt.

5. I think it would be a good one if God made a body part fall off of a Christian every time they break a commandment. You got to admit, it would make it really interesting.

6. When was it exactly all Christians became Republicans?

7. Intolerant must be a Baptist word.

8. If Christ were alive today, most Christians would be real disappointed.

– The eight worst corporations in America:

1. Maytag: For obvious reasons.

2. Bechtel: Has fed out of the government trough forever. Out—of-—work Republican cabinet members can always pick up a job. Currently helping to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq, compliments of their buddies Bush and Cheney.

3. Exxon—Mobil: Way too big.

4. Halliburton: Another defense contractor. Cheney was CEO of this one. Unlimited contracts to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq. They didn’t even have to bid.

5. Monsanto: Brought us such humane products as napalm and agent orange. Currently working to monopolize the seed industry with their terminator seeds. This is a lively group.

6. Smithfield Foods: Apparently moving into the neighborhood. They bought Farmland. This outfit gives pigs a bad name. Watch out for them trying to put other places around here. Particularly keep an eye on the new industrial park.

7. Lockheed Martin: Another huge defense contractor. War is their business.

8. Tyson Foods: Tyson does for chickens what Smithfield does for pigs, which is mainly to humiliate them.

– Eight of Galesburg’s biggest myths:

1. That money grows on taxpayers.

2. That Carl Sandburg liked Galesburg.

3. That green will make a town grow.

4. That a city manager is better than a full—time mayor.

5. That giving financial breaks to business pays off for the taxpayer.

6. That Galesburg had some kind of altruistic origin. The poor bastards were probably lost.

7. That brick streets will bring tourists.

8. That sucking up to big corporations does any amount of good. When it comes right down to it, they’ll cut your throat in a second.

– Eight of my favorite people:

1. Michael Moore: Author of "Stupid White Men," the 2002 non-fiction best seller, and "Bowling for Columbine," an Oscar winning documentary. He peeves off just about everyone.

2. Andy Rooney: Of "60 Minutes" fame. This guy is a national treasure, and he peeves off just about everyone.

3. Studs Terkel: I really like this guy. He’s a great writer and is smarter than all of Washington D.C. put together.

4. Al Franken: He’s written some really nice stuff about Rush Limbaugh, and has the current bestseller, "Lies, and the Lying Liars That Tell Them." This guy can really peeve ‘em.

5. John Ashcroft: Just kidding, although I do admire a guy who lost an election to a dead man and ends up becoming the Attorney General.

6. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Still kidding. This should be a good one. He should bring in Jesse Ventura as his PR man. They’re both around the same IQ.

7. Bill Moyers: Does some of the best journalistic reporting available today.

8. Two deceased favorites: Paul Wellstone, a liberal’s liberal, and Joseph Campbell, one of the wisest persons I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

– Eight places I’d like to go:

1. Paris, France. I love the French people more than ever.

2. I’d love to go to Bill Gate’s home in Seattle and ask him why he needs a fifty—million—dollar palace.

3. I’d like to go to India, preferable during a time they’re getting along with Pakistan.

4. I’d like to get down to The Innkeepers.

5. Cuba. Home of the world’s greatest revolutionary. And it’s not Hemingway.

6. I’d like to go to Alaska for a month or two in the summer. And stop at Vancouver on the way home.

7. Bush’s ranch in Texas would be interesting. I swear I wouldn’t destroy anything.

8. I’d like to see the inside of the temple at Nauvoo. Any Mormons out there that could help me? I do believe a guy should have more than one wife, although I’m not sure why.