LEAVE IT TO PEEVER

Where are the hip boots?

— Bumper sticker of the week: Islam is not our enemy.

— Quote of the week: “Why is there always money for war but not for health-care or education?” The Peever

— Positive peeverism of the week: Three new shopping centers. Man, something must be about to happen in Galesburg that I don’t know about. Maybe Peoria is going to relocate here. Anyway, I can’t wait. I’m ready to buy. I’m wondering which of these new complexes is going to house the hip boot store, cause it’s starting to get real deep.

— How to beat high fuel oil or natural gas prices, or at least get even:

• Don’t pay your bill. Instead, have it forwarded to The White House.

• Pay half the bill. This really screws them up.

• Keep the temperature set at 60 degrees. Sixty is a pretty nice day outside.

• Ask AmerenlP for help paying your bill. Since the government is helping every Tom, Dick and Harry in the world, why not you? AmerenlP should get a government subsidy. Maybe AmerenlP is a government subsidy.

• Tell AmerenlP you have sent your bill to the Illinois Attorney General for an opinion. You figured it was either extortion or highway robbery.

• Staple a note onto your bill, say with 30-40 staples, telling the AmerenlP CEO that you are not really interested in supporting his high-falutin' lifestyle.

— Kansas enters the Dark Ages: The Kansas Board of Education mandates that students learn about “intelligent design” along with evolution. This idiocy is a sorry excuse for intelligence. Dorothy, if I were you, I’d get out of Kansas. Not even the scarecrow was this stupid.

— Schwarzenegger left with egg on face: The latest Republican wonderboy takes it on the chin. Four initiatives he pushed to solidify his power grab in California were soundly defeated. Arnold underestimated his opponents, something he seldom does in the movies. Arnold is stuck on all show and no substance. The California electorate reminded him that his Terminator persona is all make-believe. He can be, and was, cut down to Pee Wee Herman size.

— Army sets up recruiting stations at NASCAR races: I think the Army is probably on to something here. Most NASCAR fans would seem to make pretty good soldiers. They all seem to have a lot of idle time; they appear to like to let others do their thinking for them; and it probably doesn’t hurt that they’re drunk when they sign on the dotted line.

— Being God would be tough these days: Everybody thinks they have a direct line to his or her ear. Private lines range from our President, asking God for strength to carry on the war, to Pat Robertson, asking God to smite Dover, PA for voting out a bunch of numbskulls on the Board of Education who were pushing intelligent design. I guess I’m not a whole lot better. I asked God to help me win the mega-millions, at last count at about $300 million. But I at least did promise to go to church if I won, which I figured was a pretty big sacrifice, all things considered.

— Bush and Cheney go off the right-wing deep end: VP Cheney, addressing a convention of right-wing judges, calls liberal judges “imperialists.” And Bush goes on the offensive to call critics of his personal war “deeply irresponsible.” Both these guys are losing it. I’ve always believed it takes a personal toll on one’s soul to lead a life of deceit and lies. Their rhetoric is nothing more than a clever distraction from the truth: Their day is nearing an end. And their souls are dissipating into the universe’s collective garbage dump for fools.